Methodical Madness of a Mathematician

Then I remember...

2010-05-27T11:48:00.002-04:00

We used to talk

Go for long walks

Eat under trees

Sing in the breeze

Why did it end?

And now I remember

Permanent changes

Our life rearranged us

We used to share trends

We used to be friends

We left for a while

Now separate style

Once I did remember

Someday once again

Our lives will not contend

I hope...

Let go and start anew?

Upholding values, staying true

We'll see...

Do I want to remember?

Hero

2009-10-02T23:22:00.002-04:00

Many little children long to be fire fighters, police officers, or EMS personnel. They want to help people and, unconsciously, they seek to be citizens worthy of public approval. Unhindered by societies appetite for defamation and luscious gossip, children seek to help others. They like praise. Elementary school teachers give stickers and write words of praise on completed homework. It boosts self-esteem and their perspective of self-worth.

Other children, more in tune with movies or video games or comics, want to be superheros! When they grow up they want to be superman, spider-man, the hulk (well....maybe that was just me), wonder woman...people who, out of the kindness of their hearts and the magnitude of their ability, helped others without much reward, save the occasional "thanks!"

One of my best friends taught me a few years ago that it's ok to keep childish tendencies whilst growing up. And I agree.

I still want to be a hero.

Not the kind that rushes into a burning building to rescue an unconscious child. Not the kind that leaps tall buildings in a single bound and saves the elderly from a wayward train. Not the kind that travels the world, takes up arms against our adversaries, and defends the freedoms we daily take. Those heroes are much greater than myself.

All I want is to make a difference in someone's life.

I live a modest life. I tend to not buy expensive things or have pricey tastes...aside from a deep love of seafood. And cool electronics. But in general, I have a very moderate lifestyle. The things in which I do engage, however, fascinate me. And I, like many of you (presumably), enjoy being intrigued.

Magic has always fascinated me. I've always wanted to do magic tricks. To me, it would be one of the coolest things ever just to do some little slight-of-hand trick. Turn a handkerchief into a rose. Levitate an object. Make a tennis ball disappear.

I've had people tell me that I am interesting, or that I make them smile (that's one of my favorites...I love making people smile). I feel like I'm actually contributing to humanity when I have positive effects on people, as if my existence does mean something and I am making a difference.

But a smile doesn't tide me over forever. And a chuckle at some terribly punny joke won't satisfy.

Someday, many years from now, I would love to run into an old friend. And I want talk to them, catch up on our lives for the past few years...decades...however long. And at the end, they sigh, look at me, and say "remember when we used to spend a lot of time together? Those are still some of my best memories. Thank you for being my friend, and thank you for making me the person I am today. I look back on some of our conversations and realize that we were good for each other." And then I will also look at that person and realize how good he or she was for me.

I feel silly, I really do. But if that happened...just a 10 minute encounter unfolded... I could die a completely satisfied life knowing that someone's entire life was changed for the better because of me.

Another one of my favorite scenarios. I plan on teaching. Someday in the future I get a letter in the mail from a former student. That person is inviting me to a presentation that (s)he is doing in a field of study that I encouraged him/her to pursue. And when I arrive, I am introduced as the one who helped that person through the hard times to pursue a dream.

No one can live forever. People have tried, and the closest that we have come up with is to make a scientific law and be remembered forever. I mean...who DOESN'T know about Archimedes?

But I don't want to live forever...just for a little longer. Maybe it's a week, a month, or 15 years. But I want to be remembered as someone who matters and made a difference.

One man cannot move a world, but one man can move another. And through this all the people of the world can move. I cannot do the impossible, just the highly improbable. Don't ask a miracle, just ask a favor. It's basically the same thing, but the latter sounds doable.

Is

2009-09-10T18:00:00.002-04:00

I was thinking earlier today. I was thinking about a powerful word. The word "is."

Most of us take this word for granted, the use as a helping verb being quite appealing and convenient. But this word conveys far more than that. Allow me to explain.

"is"

verb. third person singular for of the word "be."

Obviously this led me to a search of the word "be." My two favorite entries are as follows:

1) "having the quality of being"

2) "exist"

There is good chance that, at this point (if not before), you are wondering why I am making such a point about this word "is." Great question. But I won't answer that directly yet. Allow me to look deeper at what it means when something "is."

"Is" demands facts. It will not put up with theory or suggestion, it wants the cold, hard facts. When you desire sound knowledge that cannot be shaken, "is" will be there to support you. If you were to look for something, you wouldn't want to the general location...you'd want to know where it IS. When wondering the state of a person, I ask how that person IS. Not how he or she feels, theoretically. Criminologists want to know what a criminal's motive IS, not the off-hand guesses and stabs in the dark.

This word is abused. "How IS your life?" That statement has power. Instead, we treat it like a greeting. "Oh, I'm fine." But that word IS had usage. And the proper response should be given. "What IS your name?" A person's name defines the person to the deepest extent. When a person's name is defamed, it ruins them. Identity theft is a desire to take all that a person has...all that is entitled to that person's name. And IS demands an answer worthy of recognition.

Why do I mention this? What purpose does this word have that I should give it so much mention?

I want to know how things ARE. I want to do more than breathe, I want to exist. I want to have the quality of being. Some movies use black and white to show depression, while using color to show life. I want to live in color. When something happens, I want to see it as it IS, not as I want it to be or how someone else tells me. The truth is my main desire. WAS doesn't matter. WILL doesn't matter. WILL can change. WAS may affect IS, but it's not IS. While the past can help foresee the future, it can also blind one to the present.

To BE is to live a life worthy of recognition and rememberance. Going and doing aren't enough. I want to BE. I want to EXIST.

I want to experience the essence of IS.

Blank

2009-08-17T00:03:00.003-04:00

A story teller does more than tell stories. A story teller creates.

It is more than just a way of relaying events. It is a way of displacing ideas, thoughts, desires, and emotions. When I tell a story, it usually is for the purpose of informing, as well as creating an environment that is pleasurable. Story telling is my music. Most people play or listen to music to create their optimized situation. I tell stories. I paint pictures. I sculpt. I decipher. I manipulate. They are all the same.

Many people thrive in the details. They plan how each atom will run into the others. Not I. People such as myself generalize. I learned long ago that the details will happen if the main ideas are set in place. For example. I'll soon be packing for school and moving back in. I will pack my belongings and transfer them. But I have no clue how I'll put them in the car. And I haven't any idea how I will arrange my room. The car will pack as things fit, and my room will get arranged by necessity as well as convenience.

Stories are my escape. When I tell a story, a take myself and whoever is listening to a new place. And I make that. I make it whatever I, or the listner(s), want it to be. That is my art work. And like all artists, I have masterpieces that I display time and time again. And also like an artist, I never "finish" something...it always needs improving. Unlike the artist, I can easily improve my work everytime it is shown. You'll probably hear me tell the same story more than once. And you'll probably notice that things change. Like any story teller, I embellish. But that is the nature of what I do. It is a controversy that plagues all relays of information, be it stories, art, music, history. Do I tell what happened, or what almost happened?

Such is life. Do we accept life as we have it, or search for something better?

I tell stories. They don't always have a happy ending. But they always have the ending that they're supposed to have.

So maybe that makes them happy in their own way.

Who, then, shall save us?

2009-07-02T02:01:00.002-04:00

I have acquired some new insight, recently. I began reading a new book that has opened my eyes to some current issues.

Also recently, I have had three quotes running in my head.
The first is by Benjamin Franklin. After helping form the Constitution, a woman asked him "what have you given us?" He replied "a Republic, if you can keep it."
The second is from V for Vendetta. V takes a hailstorm of bullets, then calmly and choreographically takes down the half dozen or so guards protecting a certain Mr. Creedy. After Mr. Creedy tries to understand V's indestructible state, V replies that "Beneath this mask there is more than flesh. Beneath this mask there is an idea, Mr. Creedy, and ideas are bulletproof."
The third is from Watchmen, spoken by the character Rorshach speaks of the city that he once protected, says "[they] will look up and shout "save us!"...and I'll whisper "no."

The ways in which these words play together frightens me. I try not to force my agenda upon...anyone, really. But I am afraid.
One of you brave souls, I'm sure, is wondering of what I am afraid. And to you, I say "thank you for asking."

I am afraid of us.

The first quote represents something that few people will understand...and I don't know if I fully understand it either. The first quote expresses the depths to which America is founded. In its beginning, the rules by which a room full of men decided to run the country was based upon hard work, loyalty, and the desire to do the best for the people. These men could have destroyed the system, putting in loopholes that they could later navigate and thieve from the people as they would. But they had honor and integrity to put their very lives on the line to protect their children, their wives, their family...and even their enemies. Imagine yourself. Someone comes to your door and says "I need you to give up all your possessions, be humiliated and hated by the people, stop sleeping and eating healthy, and...leave your family and friends. In return, you have the chance to save your country...buuuut it might fail anyway." Would you take it?
I am daily grateful that almost 240 years ago, a room full of men decided to take that risk. I wonder what choice they would have made if they knew what had become of their true love: freedom.
I hope they still would have made that choice. But I wouldn't blame them if they didn't.

The second quote reaffirms the first. It is what every single revolutionary says. But few actually mean it. No, bullets cannot kill an idea. But unless the idea is carried out by followers, bullets can kill the only carrier of the idea. The last time Americans, at large, felt that idea was almost eight years ago. We remembered what it meant to have our hearts torn into. We felt the desire to protect an idea: freedom. Bullets cannot kill an idea. But we have found other things that CAN kill an idea: greed, lust, wrath, sloth, gluttony, envy, and pride. This is the fault of everyone, including myself. We LET the idea die. We wanted more and more! And we got it...at a sad price. It only cost...and idea. Freedom

This is where the third quote comes in, and this one scares me the most, for there is no redemption. The basis of this quote is that at one point, we allowed someone to step in and help us. They did their job well, and it was nice to have some extra help. But then we weren't grateful. We abused our gift. And finally it turned on us. It was only human, after all. What would you have done? And in the end, we will scream...begging, pleading for help...they they will look at us and say "no."

The ones we trusted...like little children we believed their lies...have led us to the slaughtering pin. And we were naïve enough to believe their words, without thinking for ourselves because...its easier to let someone think for us.
Sloth.

We wanted the easy way out, and so we got it. And then we wanted all the great things that OTHER people had... "free health care," all the funding we could ask for, new toys.
Greed. Envy.

But it still wasn't working out right, was it? So we allowed some more power to...oh...go and just TALK to them about how good they had it. But they didn't want us in. So we dreamed of our perfect system... GLARING at how gorgeous they had it.
Lust.

Well, looking wasn't enough, was it? We just had to have it. But since they wouldn't give it...we just took it. By brute force.
Wrath.

But it didn't just stop with one. We had to take their allies. And their neighbors! We had to have them ALL!
Gluttony.

And in the end, we sat back and looked at all the good we had done. We imagined how the world was a better place because we had schmoozed our way into a position of power. Things were looking up for us...we had arrived!
Pride.

And with that fatal turn...we died. We crumbled. The people FINALLY began to understand that there were standing in a house of lies...and like a house of glass, the rock had just been thrown. And we just sat by and let it happen. Now, we need help. But it is too late. It has been too late for some time now. We shout "SAVE US!"

And they say "no."

Victory

2009-06-15T00:28:00.003-04:00

I have always struggled with apathy. When I get motivated to do something, I jump on it because I know the desire won't last. This summer has been great because I've really worked hard to stop WANTING to do things and just...doing them. I've tried to stop being so wishy-washy and just doing it. I haven't played piano in....years. Maybe since I was eleven. But I decided that I wanted to learn Bethena Waltz by Scott Joplin. So I'm doing it. Yes its slow. Yes, its hard for me. But slowly...surely...I am learning that song.

What happens at the end? When we achieve our goal...what have we? Do we get anything from winning, besides a trophy, a pat on the back, and ice cream after the game?

I recently beat Assassin's Creed. I enjoyed it. But at the end of the game...it was over. I had won! I had beaten the game! But there was nothing afterwards.

When I ask people about their future, I often ask "and then what?" to a ridiculous degree.

"I'm going to school." "For what?" "[stuff]" "What will you do with that?" "Get a job." "And then...?" "[Blah]" "I see...then what?"

What comes next? When we get our jobs...we have won! We got a job! But then what? We get paid. And then what? We buy stuff. Awesome. And when we have stuff...what do we do with stuff?

Do you see what happens here? If there ever is an end to this sadistic carousel in life, it usually results in buying something. Which will (at best) wear out or (at worst) we will get tired of it. What is victory without a reward that matters? What DOES matter? What will continue on forever and will not wear out in this life? What thing will never make us bored?

Should we settle for less, for things in this life? Should we settle for premature and material rewards? Or is victory in itself enough to sustain?

Not for me. Victory is a means by which I can get something or somewhere.

But for you....what is victory and why does it matter?

The Art of Decency

2009-05-30T00:27:00.003-04:00

I never understood the difference between a good man and a bad man. To me, all people had the same mindsets. And by people, I mean the ones that were in my particular demographic (I suppose). I grew up in the usual basically suburban, mostly white, middle class area. And to me, everyone here was decent. People helped each other and cared about each other.

I know what it means to not be decent. And it is far different than what I expected.

It has little to do with someone being good or bad, though these are certainly indicators. It has everything to do with the decisions that one makes on a daily basis.

While at home, I saw the acts of decent men and women every day. And to me that was normal. I thought that everyone was like that. I saw people who were putting their own desires far behind responsibities, other people's needs, and countless other things. In fact, many times personal desires seemed to almost vanish.

The "easy way" was not an option unless it was entirely legal, beneficial, and entirely better. Of course, sometimes the hard way was done simply to build character.

Building character. It took me a very long time to understand what this really meant. For me, it meant "manning up." The more character I had, the more respect I was garnered from others. Not because I had accomplished so much. No, it was because I had gone through whatever trial and could now help one more person. Character was what gave the qualities necessary to help others, not a medal to add to a trophy wall.

And now I return to that realm of decency. After two years and that pit of filth, I realize what the difference is: here, I live with decent people. But not everyone in that other place was fortunate as I to have grown up in such a place.

I say filth not to condemn the people, but the situations. And I mention my upbringing not to glorify myself or those that were involved. No indeed. Once leaving home, I spat upon my upbringing, losing many good qualities that I did not realize were so vital.

What happened to sincerity? What happened to doing good because you know it's right? What happened to honesty and charity? Where are the heroes that fought for us, showing us how to live and how to be righteous, just, and honorable in the face of adversity?

I used to be good. I used to do good work just because it needed to be done. I used to be "the guy you bring home to your parents." I used to consider myself to be a good role model. But I don't feel like I'm any of that anymore.

Once again I am reminded what it means to be decent. I have decent people around me now, and they show me by example. They show me how to be selfless, how to be generous in giving and cautious in taking. How to be efficient, polite, and cherish everyone that I meet.

Perhaps this summer will be different. Maybe I shall regain my humanity and become decent once again.

So for you who is looking to become decent, I suggest this humble advice: give all that you have to everyone that you see. Only reveal that of yourself which is beneficial, wholesome, and uplifting to all. Focus on the positive and banish the negative and impure thoughts. And most importantly, fear nothing. Nothing is too big to handle or too small to ignore. Take everything with a grain of salt, but be trusting an trustworthy. Be the hero. Not for your glory, but for the good of the people that are being helped.

Will you be my nieghbor?

2009-05-09T03:10:00.002-04:00

I was talking with a good friend the a while ago and he looks at me and says "For as often as we hang out, I don't really know much about where you come from. I don't know what your home is like, I don't know what your life story is."

I replied that this is pretty typical, and most people don't know their friends' backgrounds.

It hit me later: WHY do we not know our friends' backgrounds?

I mean...I know that it's usually because we meet them and just go from there...no need to dwell on the past.

But why NOT? Why do we not tell our life stories to each other? I have many friends of whom I would LOVE to know the story. But how awkward would I be, walking up and saying "O hey...what is your life story? No it's fine...I have time."

What is a friend? Is it simply one for whom we have memorized a list of likes, dislikes, and attractive qualities that we call upon when around this person? Is it someone who we know? What does it mean to know someone?

Answers.com defines a friend as "A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts".

What does it mean to know someone?

This definition seems so...intimate. Trust involves closeness and confidentiality. Liking involves being compatible. These are both very close and intimate ideas.

So what is knowing?

I haven't lived very long. I turn twenty this year. But in my short life I have already been so blessed and knowing many people. I have encountered countless people. But the ones I will remember are the ones that I know. No, there are not many. But I hold each one tightly, fearful of losing...fearful of breaking.

To know someone, you must first learn their past, the understand their present situations, and finally help them dream about their future. Knowing someone is to share a mind, even if only for a split second or less.

But most importantly, knowing is a journey. It continues on. The present becomes past, the future becomes present, and new futures must be dreamt. As a friend, the responsibility lies on you to satisfy these requirements. I cannot stress enough how much it is worth it.

I just finished looking at some of my sisters' pictures on Facebook. I understand knowing someone. I understand what it means to be a friend. I have experienced good times, bad times, and oh dear God how I want them all again.

"I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go"

-Swing Life Away (Rise Against)

Is that friendship? Simply having good times? Or is it investing time, money, and work into something that you can enjoy for years? Is it instant satisfaction or something that has gone through happiness, fights, and many tears?

That is up to you. I know where I will always stand, but I would never want to sway you. It is a choice made by you alone.

Choose wisely.

I call it a Valley

2009-04-06T14:16:00.002-04:00

Thought:

You know what it's like to be excited for something? To have this feeling of dedication that you would go all in for something, even when it is high commitment and time consuming?

As difficult as the task may be, it is relatively easy to abide by extremes. Whether it is extreme passion (such as moving to a third world country and becoming a doctor) or extreme apathy (sitting at home and doing little more than going about your business), once you take that first step it is easy to stay the course.

But what I've always found to be most difficult is the area between. What about when all your choices do not revolve around your passion, but they are still important?

Here's another way of looking at it that may make more sense. Often times I feel like I'm just going by on my daily life, doing the best I can (whatever that even means). But I'm just...here. I know there is more I could be doing, but I don't know how to do it. Or more often, I can't do it yet. Currently I'm saving to buy a well. But it's $2000 and I don't have the money to just dish out for that.

I have plans for how I'm going to teach some day. Key phrase: "some day." I can't do it now. I still have over two years before I (hopefully) get my piece of paper that cost a small nation's income. Ideally I will then get a job and magically become the best math teacher that has ever existed.

But that's not right now. IS there anything right now?

One of my big problems is that I assume that I'll do something later. I'm not just talking about procrastinating about homework, cleaning, or what other daily things I may have. I mean big things. Often times I can't do the thing at the moment (for example, I can't start teaching math in a school today...I need a degree first), but I don't feel like I'm doing anything.

I hope this is making sense.

Here we go. Mountains. High and exciting. Those are our goals. But between most mountains are valleys. Mountains go up. Valleys go down. Often you get to a valley by going down a mountain. Valley's are not bad in themselves. But there is more to life than a valley. There are many people who find a mountain range and make themselves a nice community in the valley. But what I like is the guy who builds his shack on the mountain. Or even better: on top of it.

So my question is this, I guess: what do we do with the valleys? Do we embrace them as a rest before the ascent? Do we get through them quickly to climb the mountains? Or do we stay there?

I try to get through the valley and make the best of that time, but still always remember that there is a mountain ahead of me. But always I move quickly and efficiently, so I may avoid the avalanches.

I realize that this post was a bit all over the place. But I hope it made sense. Because many times I do get lost in the valleys, when I feel like I should be doing SOMEthing...but I don't know what. Not that I am lost (though that is the case at times), but that I feel like I shouldn't just be going through my valley. I feel like I should be climbing...no...sprinting up that mountain. And when I get to the top, I want to look out of the land that I have conquered and remember how hard and worthwhile it was. I want to laugh at the mountain and say "Surely you could have put up more of a challenge than that!" When the wind threatens to blow me off, I will taunt it in hopes that it will blow just a little harder. And when nature gives up, I will enjoy my view point and bask in the Sunlight from the sky, smiling as I remember good times.

A Soul Lost at Sea

2009-02-21T15:19:00.002-05:00

There was once a time when people did the right thing just because they knew they should. Not because of selfish desires, but because they wanted to be good when no one is looking, making sure that they were following the minumum requirements for the social acceptance regime that encompassed them. There was a time when being good meant helping the proverbial old lady across the street. Now...the old lady is grumpy because the government hasn't issued her social security check yet and the young man who would have helped her is to busy changing songs on his ipod. There was a time when honor was the most sought after commodity, when someone doing well meant they had worked hard, not stepped on the "little people" to get to the top by means of trickery and lies.

Was there a time like that? Or do we just wish there was a time like that?

A few days ago after a large windstorm I was walking through an area that was mostly clear with the exception of a few trees. There was one tree in particular that caught my attention, for it had fallen. This was no sappling: it was about three feet in diameter. As I stared at this tree in awe, I walked close for a better angle and more acute examination. Upon doing so, I noticed that the entire core of the tree was rotten and almost entirely hollow. I never would have known it had the wind not come.

Do you get it? Imagine instead of "tree" you inserted a person's name. Let that sink in.

Where are the heroes? Where are the role models that capture our hearts by their selfless deeds and quick responses? When did the idea of the "satisfaction of a job well done" get shot to hell? Was it when the credit card's minumum payment came out, showing us that we really don't need to be responsible with our money, only paying a much lower amount than we owe? Was it when our fathers stopped telling us that honest, hard working money is more admirable than a well paying, deviously made money? Or when our mothers stopped teaching us the values of being respectful and using manners?

Is it possible to be one's own hero? Can you look up to yourself? When running a race by yourself, can you win or lose? Most runners race not to beat the other people, but to beat their previous records. Can we live the same way, trying to be better than we were yesterday?

I have found that no one person is good comparison, save for Jesus. He's kinda an exception. Every one scews up, and usually pretty badly from time to time.

There are three things now: the one who tries to be the hero, the one who admires the hero, and the one who wants to watch the hero burn. What I find most interesting is that most often, these are all the same person.

My Gift to Society, as it were

2008-12-25T00:20:00.003-05:00

Often I sit here and wonder what I have to offer. Often I sit here and imagine my purpose. And often times, I do not get a satisfying answer. I get down on myself when I see a dream undergo trials.

I look into a field. It is beautiful. It has green grass, rolling hills, a grove of trees on the side. And the sun smiling down on me. And then I see the ground open beneath, expunging putrid smoke into the sky. The trees burn into a smoldering rubble. Grass burns, leaving a trail of black across the scene. An explosion of red bursts into the heavens, causing the sky to run in fear.

Do you ever feel that? You have the review, that test, the experience that takes your dream and smashes them to bits. And I want to so badly believe that it's not the end. I want to believe that failure can be salvaged, and dreams may still be procured.

The lodgepole pine tree requires intense heat to release the seeds from the cones and reproduce. Commonly, forest fires will cause this. These fires often devestate acres and acres of land. But without this, the lodgepole pines would be stuck to rot, surrounding by other foliage that is just taking up space.

Do you see it?

Yes, it's rough right now. Yes, you failed at whatever it was. But everyone has. And often times a rough time is needed to get rid of the excess that bogs you down. Fire can destroy, but it can also bring life forth.

In this life, I dream for many things. And many of them I will not get. But some of them I will. And my goal is to keep my dreams as close to reality as possible. Life can live up to a dream, but if the dreams are small, then life will be even smaller. I dream big in hopes of hitting something. I hope often. I dream big. And someday a dream will come true. And it will be the best day of my life.

Sometimes...often times...it's ok if a dream does not come true. Sometimes it's not the dream itself that I need or desire. Sometimes it is the journey that I require.

Maybe I said nothing. Maybe I said something. I don't think it matters what I said. I think what matters is what you heard.

Christmas: The Problems and The Hypocrisy

2008-12-07T00:27:00.002-05:00

Many people have heard my views on Christmas. But hopefully I can enlighten you on an alternate view, as the advent season has started and the long-awaited day creeps closer and closer.

Christmas. How much I desire it. How can I not? It is the epicenter of happiness and tradition. We sing joyously these tales of happiness, giving love to each other and taking part in the giving attitude of the season. Truly, this is a pure resemblance of what Christ did for us, giving wholly of himself, seeking nothing in return.

That IS what Christmas is about...correct?

Friday, November 28th. Thanksgiving has been over for about five hours now. The dishes have been cleaned, leftovers put away, and at this early hour lines form outside in the bitter cold, waiting for the sales on merchandise in the stores.

Ah yes, Black Friday. Corporate heaven, employee hell. The start of the Christmas season (if not earlier). The start of this joyous feeling.

I was standing outside ABC Warehouse. The doors had just opened and those of us who had been dutifully standing in line were ushed in by the store manager. He was doing a remarkable job of making sure that only those who had been in line were getting in the store, while those late comers who were attempting to squeeze were sent to the back of the line.

One middle age man who was not in line (but wanted to get in the store) was very unhappy about this set up. He strongly desired to get in the store and make his purchase. He found disfavor with one certain young man...

Young man: "Back of the line! We've been waiting!"

Middle age man: "F*** off!"

Young man: "Excuse me? What did you say to me?"

Middle age man: "You heard me. I told you to p*** off! And that's not just to you. That's to everyone here!"

Merry Christmas, anyone?

I'm sure we've all heard the Jdimnytai Damour story. The man was working at Wal-mart and was trampled by some people eagerly embracing the Christmas spirit. Perhaps I should emphasize that. Someone was killed over some $2 DVDs. Really? Could no one realize "O hey, I'm stepping on this man's face." I wonder if those people had ever murdered before. I imagine they're all proud of the fact that they saved $8 on a movie...and killed a man. I'm sure that movie will that much more enjoyable. AND! The storied that can be told! I'm sure they'll be telling that one for ages. "Did I ever tell you the story about how I helped trample a man to death to save $8 on a movie? O, those were the days."

I am often called a Scrooge. And I have become very fond of that name. Because in watching the character of Scrooge, I note some very interesting things. Mostly I came to this understanding after watch a play called "The Trial of Ebenezer Scrooge" by Mark Brown. And in it are some very fascinating points that I think have validity. If every you get the chance to read or watch the play, I reccomend it. FYI.

Perhaps I am uncultured, but I do not believe that need raises much more on Christmas day than on other days. Except for things like extra heating and clothing (which we can attribute to the weather, not the day of the year). But I don't think I need any statistics to say quite accurately that the average person gives more to churches or other organizations during the Chrsitmas season than during other times of the year. Again, perhaps I am ignorant, but I doubt that many people use all of their Christmas bonuses for charity. So that must mean that they have some of the money to use the rest of the year...hmm....

I am a college aged, American boy. I come from a middle middle class rural-suburban home. I have a part time job. I have some scholarships.

I do not recall the last time I went without needing something. I do not recall the last time I counted dimes to pay the electric bill. In fact, I have never paid the electric bill. Or any bill, for that matter, except for school. But my parents are taking care of most of that anyway. I have never slept outside in fear that an angry parent would abuse me in my sleep. I have never begged a stranger for food because I hadn't eaten for so long. I have never gone barefoot because my shoes are too worn out to stay on my feet.

I also do not remember the last time I did not get a Christmas present. Or the last time I did not give a present to a family memeber, all of whom are in essentially identical situations. We do not need. But we give gifts to each other.

Some interesting statistics.

As of yesterday (12/6/08) the National Debt was over $10.6 trillion.

Americans spend about $450 billion on Christmas. Every year.

It would take about $10 billion to get pure water to the entire world.

I will freely admit that I do not contribute as much as I should. Not NEARLY as much as I should. Right now I'm still trying to figure out this whole "life" thing. No, that's not a good excuse. And I don't use it as excuse at all. I use it as something that I can work towards. And it's hard for me. I'm busy and when I'm not busy I want to rest and be lazy and selfish. If nothing else, I'm honest. But I'm working towards doing more. This past school year I helped at a local school with an after school program. This Christmas I'm going to be helping at the Salvation Army or some other organization. In the summer I'm trying to get a job at a summer camp. These are different needs that need to be met. But we each have our parts.

Hopefully this all makes sense. I write this not to throw abstract ideals at you, but to help you see another reality.

Such is the case with the Invisible Children. Thousands of children that must daily seek refuge from miltaristic rebels that will strip them of everything and force them to kill. Or be killed. But who has heard of this devestating catastrophe? Everyone has heard of the War in Iraq. But...children killing people? That doesn't happen! Does it...?

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home.php

It does.

Be aware. That's all I ask. Realize that Christmas has become more than a time of giving and happiness. For me, every Chrsitmas song, every tree, string of lights, wreath, decoration, is a reminder of what we have become. Stagnant. Desensitized. Desiring everything, needing nothing.

Tyler Durden from fight club has a well said statement about what we have lost in being human. I want to change it a little. "[Chrsitmas] has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy s*** we don't need."

Just think about that...

The Brilliant Mind: A Journey Worth Failing For

2008-10-29T00:18:00.003-04:00

Let me begin by stating that I am, in no way, brilliant. However, I find the idea of excellence to be captivating, and I felt compelled to blog on it.

Every person goes somewhere. Whether or not you want to admit it, over the course of life, you have gone from being a small child, new to the world, to whatever stage in which you may lie. The part that I find scary is that no matter what I do, or no matter what I do NOT do, I will continue to move in some direction. As all people do. Even the "man" who lives in his mother's basement...he has moved from the place in which he began. It just happens that often, that direction is backwards. As in the case of the grown man in his mother's basement, he has gone from expecting his mother to provide, to being grateful for her generosity (once he is older), but then backwards towards hostility if the generosity is not carried out. I can't help but think of Warlock from Live Free or Die Hard. He has grown to become a technology god...but still lives in his parents basement.

Where is this headed?

One of the biggest strategies I have discovered in the journey towards brilliance is the idea of Initiative. This is thinking and doing before everyone else even recognizes the need. It's planning and executing the plan before the average person even acknowledges a problem that needs to be fixed. The best way to begin this is by starting with immediate needs and taking care of them. Efficiency is key. Get the immediate things done before they are due, then start working on future things. The brilliant mind can control past and present events, while idealizing the future.

A normal person imagines only what other people already do. A great person does what other people only imagine.

Every great mind in history has been a dreamer. There is great strength and importance in remaining true to reality and understanding the boundaries of fantasy. But the worst thing you could do to your mind is to cage it in. I have yet to find a reason to hold back an imaginitive mind. Yes, they might be risking some reality. But I would rather attempt to do the slightly improbable than remain stuck in the ridiculously overdone.

Aragorn: What do you fear my lady?

Éowyn: A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond beyond recall or desire.

I have felt, I have not felt. I have dreamed, lost hope, lived, and died. I have loved, hated, and known passion unfathomable. And in all my experience, nothing is worse than feeling empty. To lose feeling is to lose a part of humanity. It is to lose part of the very essence of being. It damages the soul. I would rather lose my mind to a dream than damage my soul to that dream's death.

Why would you desire to be of brilliant mind?

For me, it is because I am not satisfied with how life will take me. I am not satisfied with being "another guy." I want to be remembered. In 30 years, I want my current friends to look back and remember "wow...what would I have been like without him?" Eric Erickson produced a wonderful theory of social development. And at the end of life, we are faced with the crisis of Wisdom: integrity versus despair. Will we be happy with our lives, or are we sad that it is not what it could have been?

I know that there are two things I must to do avoid despair. And it starts now. I must fulfill my goals for my life, and I must fulfill God's goal for my life.

My goal is to be remembered and to change people for good. I want to be able to know, in my old age, that there are people in my life that I mattered to. That they look back and realize what they would have been like without me, as I look back and imagine what I would be like without them. This is a large part of why I am teaching. I want to change my students for good. I want them, even if they hate math, to realize that one person does care about them, and wants the best for them. And in their old age, they will realize that I helped them through a pivitol point in their life.

God's goal for me...I am still discovering. I know how to find it. But I'm not there yet. I believe that God's will for me isn't about finding the hotel at the end of the map. It's following the map that doesn't always make sense, but is guaranteed to get me there.

I think that Theodore Roosevelt said it best.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

No child wants to have an office job when they grow up. They want to be firefighters, police officers, super heroes, astronauts...I can keep going. They have dreams of bigness. And somewhere, that dream dies. As does a part of their soul.

Today, go and dream. Today, go and take a risk. Tomorrow, accept the consequences, good or bad, and be thankful that you were able to take that risk. Because the critic will mock you, but will NEVER know the thrill of striving for a dream.

That is the heart of the brilliant mind. To know how to dream, to take defeat, to turn it around and demand victory. To get ahead of everyone else and make your dreams reality, and let other people dream of your life. Not for the sake of jealousy, but for the sake of bringing them up. The brilliant mind never seeks for self. Self is too small. The brilliant mind lives on behalf of a greater good.

So go out, and remember to look both ways before crossing the street. For you never know what winds may come, nor where they may take you.

Time: More Fatal Than Oxygen

2008-09-28T01:27:00.006-04:00

I had an interesting discussion with a good friend the other day. We were talking about theories of time travel and I was making up something about how "all you had to do" was make time equal to a function of the earth's volume, as time is the fourth dimension, volume being the third. And she cleverly noted that time is more than just a measurement. She went on even further and said that because we do not really understand time, we kind of push it to the side and ignore it.

I thought about this for a while, and I wondered how much we really DO know about time.

I just finished watching Donnie Darko. I really enjoyed it, but it made me think of this whole time issue again. How was Donnie able to travel through time to a specific day without going into the wormhole, and how did he know that changing his decision would keep Gretchen alive?

So I wonder: what is time? What does it mean to travel through it?
Obviously we are traversing time right now, going forward at a constant rate of 60 minutes an hour. Is time just a measure of duration?

Time is like air. We will die without it, but ultimately it kills us. Oxygen is not a safe chemical. The oxygen in water combines with metal and rusts it. This renders a typically strong metal to a state of uselessness. Excessive oxygen results in "oxygen toxicity," which is damaging to optic nerves and eventually damages the brain.

Time also kills. Some people die before time can take its toll, but only two people (Enoch and Elijah) have entirely evaded time. But even they could not master time, bend it to their will.

So where am I going with this. Here we have it.

Time is a theory killer. Theories look great in concept design. But because they are theories, we never know what really happens. Astronomers and physicists have all the calculations and measurements to determine what happens when one goes through a black hole, but they don't REALLY know what happens because they have never personally gone.

We have all the theory to support time as a relation of space. But there are calculations that support 26 or more dimensions. But since no one has even mastered the fourth, I say forget about the other 22 until we get this one down solid.

Here we are. The solid explanation of time is hinted at in business. "Time is money." So very close. But this statement assumes that money is the center of the given universe.

Time is a commodity. We are each awarded "some" at birth, though not one person knows how much he or she have. I have no advice on where to use it, or how much to use where. But I know two things:
1) Time is like Counter-Strike. There is no respawning and death is final.
2) Time is like a coin. There is only one. And I suggest you spend it wisely, lest someone spend it for you.

But Which Battle Do I Fight?

2008-09-05T00:27:00.002-04:00

Recently I encountered a situation that, to be honest, I wasn't a huge fan of.

As humans, we are faced with situations (frequently) that require us to decide and make choices that we don't like. This is an obvious statement. But what I am faced with is this: how do I know when fight and when to back down? How do I know when I should keep on with an apparently fruitless encounter and how do I know when its honorable and acceptable to let go and let such matters attend to themselves?

In life there are countless trials that we face and always we must choose how to pursue a solution. But there occurs a time when a battle must be given up. Whether it is from lack of energy or from the insight that this battle is a fruitless pursuit.

But in lies the question: how do I know that something will not eventually bear fruit, and for not is just in a dormant state?

So instead of a long, lengthy "here is my story, here's how I'm handling it," I'm going to make this short and simple.

I fight until I have nothing left. And at times, I am willingly stupid. I have a lot of hope and trust in people that I know can (and has) been easily toyed with and abused. But I say that people will respect you for what you offer. Yes it will hurt. But in the end, I will know that I have done my best, and that God will look at me and tell me that I did well. I wasn't perfect, but He will tell me that He knows I did my best. And the people that I encounter will know that I always had their best in mind. Maybe not at the time. Because sometimes in order to truly care about them, I must first either a) let them go their separate way and choose if they want me, or b) do my best, but fall in defeat if that is what it comes to. And perhaps in failing it will be seen that I am no longer there. Or perhaps it was all in vain. Either way, I know that I have done my best and I can live my life knowing as little regret as possible. I will know that even if I did not succeed, that I did the best job that I could, and no one will remember me as the one who quit, but as the one that willing to get beat up for their sake.

But that is just me. I fear regret more than anything. And I do everything in a mindset of doing my best to deny regret a chance in my head and heart.

Why...so...serious?

2008-08-22T22:41:00.003-04:00

I didn't want to use the overstated Dark Knight line. But it was just too fitting. *shrugs*

So I've noticed something interesting. And this may sound really dumb to some of you, but it kind of astounded me. Humor is...amusing. It's mechanics are very simple. It involves making someone laugh. That's it. But the effects of it are almost ridiculous.

Person A makes person B laugh. Person B is happy. But it doesn't just stop there. If Person B continues to think that Person A is HUMOROUS, then B's entire outlook of A is changed. Whenever A is around, B will automatically be in a better mood. Also, B is apt to think more highly of and respect A.

The list goes on. But by being humorous, one can completely alter how someone views you. I find this incredible. All you do is make someone laugh. And frequently this results in the other person thinking highly of you. Even if your words are empty and worthless.

This is why we care so much about what celebrities think. Most of them make us laugh. So we "care" about what they say.

Part of this is biological. I found this Google Answer on laughter particularly enlightening. Basically laughter really is the "cure all." But is there more to us so desperately seeking laughter than just a biological reaction?

Well, here comes The River.

Is humor the BEST option for obtaining good relations?

It is easy to make someone laugh. Everyone likes laughing, but anyone can make others laugh. Some are better than others, but it's a pretty universal skill. So again. Is humor the best method of getting people to like you?

I wish there was a specific answer. But there is not. However, the real question is not "is humor best," but "what do i want to do with people?"

If all you want is to make people think you're some sort of demi-god that can eternally make them laugh, and that's all you want, then sure. Laughter is enough. But if you want to actually care about someone, laughter is not enough. It is only a small tool in the method of building relationships.

But, again, it's all up to you. Like almost anything, laughter is beautiful in it's own right, but can be thoroughly abused by humans for their own vile purposes.

And to you, I leave the choice of how to use humor. Choose wisely, for no one knows how many chances you have.

The Perception of Relevance

2008-08-10T00:55:00.003-04:00

All right. This is the part where I require your input.

Two questions that I ask for you two answer in the form of a comment

1) What is it that you live each day for?
2) What do you want from people?

I promise I'll have a real post next time. but...it's 2 am. *shrugs*

Defining "Definition"

2008-07-24T12:13:00.002-04:00

I know this is a redundant statement, but I had an interesting thought the other day. Yes, most of my posts are a result of a interesting thought. But that's the only way I can think of starting. O well.

I find it fascinating how people define themselves. They start their lives, gaining a personality, and at some point they are labeled. If the person embraces this label, the continue to do things that fit that label because that is their natural action. Someone who is labeled as "smart" will continue to do "smart" things, like being successful in school or carrying on intelligent conversation.

At some point, a person's label is well defined. Now here is what i find to be curious: after acquiring a label, people will do things that is a characteristic of that label, not of themselves. While it may not be totally out of character, its not their normal action.

For instance. I have a friend who has always enjoyed art things. She has always been considered an "art person." But the older she gets, the more I can see the definition taking control. Things she does are more accustomed to an art person than to her.

In the end, the word can be more powerful than the user.

It starts slowly. Things like "well, I'm a science person, and that's what science people do." Or even "I'm John, and that's what I do." But soon, The person will stop controlling the word, and the word will control the person.

So remember always WHO you are, not WHAT you are. If you stop being a "who" and become a "what," then you lose your human identity and become an object. And...well, I'd like to remain as human as possible.
Part of that is being able to decide who you are. Having the free will to choose "THIS is who I am, and I will define myself. No one else."

Words have power. Extreme power. We decide what they mean, but so do other people. And it is easy to take on a description and then BECOME the description. But it takes strength to resist and be yourself. Because no one can be described in a simple definition unless we allow ourselves to fall into the mold.

That is the choice of free will: deciding who you are and who you want to be. But be careful with that choice, because sometimes you only get one chance.

I'm sure there's a good way to end this post. But I can't think of one.
So. Carry on.

The Great Big Conspiracy of Life

2008-07-11T22:37:00.001-04:00

To start off: Wall·e is amazing. And you should go see it now.

So the other day I was looking at my Facebook friend's recently joined groups, and i noticed a peculiar discussion. It is entitled "Is Water and Alternative Fuel Source?".
Some of the "well educated" comments:
-"YES! its a SECRET the Oil Companies would not like to discuss with you. As far as possible YOU should be clueless about it. WHY? it's CHEAPER than their GASOLINE ..that's why."
-"i dream of a day when well have nuclear reactors in our cars personally ;)"
-"...portable cherynobles"
-"You're out of your mind if you think Brazil's society is more "sustainable" than ours. We do not illegally destroy millions of acres a day of the most biodiverse oxygen-producing forests on the planet. We may SPONSOR it by our consumer choices, but per capita i guarantee Brazil's deforesting and general polluting is far worse than the USA's."
-"trains are were steam powered that means you have to use coal so .....no your dumb"

You get the idea. [with sarcasm] These are obviously some VERY WELL thought out ideas from economic, environmental, and scientific experts.

Part of this has to do with the Forum Effect: that forums will, almost always, get off topic and end with unimplementable solutions or name-calling. Usually both.

But I have a hard time with the central conflict of this topic: that oil companies are keeping this big secret from the general public. This...almost desire for something big and secret is slightly confusing. It seems that people feel as though there is more to life than life. It is assumed that everyone has a hidden agenda, that the government keeps secrets from us (just to keep us ignorant), and that people lie and gossip to keep information to themselves. People think that everything is more than it appears to be.

We, as humans, are always searching for more. We appear to never be satisfied with how things are...always seeking what will be (or what we want to be). Most people aspire to be more affluent. But money loses its initial fulfillment after having it. And no matter how much you have, or how many things you own, you will want more.
People are always trying to be better. Olympic athletes do not just settle for running "well." They are happy if they win. But they REALLY want to set a world record. But records can always be broken.

So what is this Big Conspiracy of Life? What is the big secret that is being kept from us? The secret of happiness, eternal youth, or maybe even limitless wealth?
And who is keeping it? Is it the oil companies, the government, the UN...who?

The answer is very anti-climactic. But it is the truth.

There is no secret. The greatest secret of life is that there IS NO big secret. Life is what it appears to be at face value. No one is keeping a big, life-changing secret from you. And any secrets out there, I bet, are not the big ones you imagined they were.

Yes, yes, at the end of reading all that I must spoil it by telling you that there IS no big secret. But imagine the implications. Imagine the freedom you now have. You now have the power to take things at (and only at) face value. When your boy/girlfriend tells you something , don't assume they mean something else. Believe them! When your parents, your boss, your teacher, your friend...anyone...tells you something, don't assume that they REALLY mean something else.

No, people do not think like this. And if you go around believing anything someone tells you, bad things will happen. But it won't hurt to trust. To take that first step that so few are willing to take, for fear of...anything. Perhaps fear of being first? Fear of standing out? Fear of...being different?

I suppose that we could all resign to continue as we have. But i think we can be different. We can try to just look at the face value, and not always read between the lines.

In closing, a quote that is attributed to Sigmund Frued:
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"

Weapons of Mass Destruction

2008-06-16T12:55:00.004-04:00

It's been a while. O well. Here we go.

I had this thought for the past week that I was going to write about, and then I didn't feel like writing about it. So I'm making this up as I go...as usual.

What is strength? Is it anything more than a comparison to other people? Isn't that what all descriptions are? Just simple comparisons to other people?

In that sense we decide what descriptions mean.

So I warn you, be careful with your words, not blindly through words out, but carefully considering them. Those who control their tongue control their body. Words can create, they can destroy.

Don't say anything unless you sincerely mean it. Sometimes your word is all you have, and if you can't keep your word you can keep nothing. Integrity is an art that seems to be forgotten.

Be remembered. Be different. It is the only way to live forever on this earth.

One cannot give their word until they have learned to keep it. But what good is your word if you keep it to yourself?

And with that bunch of random thoughts, I leave you.
Read if you will, synthesize if you can, comment if you have a keyboard.

Would you kindly: The Movie Effect and The Simple Question

2008-05-25T20:54:00.003-04:00

I have two very different thoughts on my mind at the moment. Maybe they'll tie in, maybe they won't. We shall see.

The Movie Effect
When a new movie comes out, the expectations for it's goodness are often based upon the trailer. Different people look for different things in trailers (some prefer information on plot and such, while others prefer that to be kept secret), but in most situations people are swayed to some degree by the movie trailer. But when the movie comes out and people actually watch it, they expect it to be better than the trailer. And then the DVD comes out and they expect there to be extra features, alternate endings, deleted footage, gag reels...which make the experience BETTER than the movie. And then, the sequel. Just the thought makes many people cringe. People know that the sequel is rarely as good, but they HOPE for something better. And often are they disappointed.
So it seems that as the "movie experience" progresses from trailer to theater to DVD to sequel, expectations grow. But why is this?

As humans, we look for a greater good in the later elements. We expect life to get better as it goes on, we expect to get raises as we work at our jobs longer, we want better upgrades to our technology as time goes on. I call this the "movie effect": as time goes on, we desire more satisfaction from the same commodity.
There is a solution, but how willing are you to be less satisfied?

Expect less. Instead of desiring more from succession, respect everything in it's uniqueness and singularity. And above all else, don't be deceived by promises of greatness. Instead be impressed by the satisfaction of fulfillment.

The Simple Question
There is an unusual authority that comes with simplicity. Sometimes people get caught in the depth and detail of everyday life...the intricacies of survival...and forget to be simple. They forget to be plain. And they forget something very important about interpersonal communication: sometimes the best way is to ask nicely.

"Would you kindly?" This question was asked many times by Atlas throughout the award winning Bioshock while Jack ventures through the underwater city of Rapture. "Would you kindly take the shortwave radio," "would you kindly go to Ryan's office and kill [him]." Perhaps over done...or is it? Will people really obey, simply by asking nicely?

The famous Milgram experiment from 1963 may suggest otherwise. Briefly: subject A was told to give progressively more powerful shocks to subject B. Even to the point of a fatal shock (450 volts). 65% of the studied group knowling administered a shock that would kill a grown man. All because a man in a lab coat told them to.

The illusion of authority..."they know what they're doing"...because they have a lab coat? Because they're famous? Because...and the reasons go on and on. But really, why do certain people have more credability than others? And not to sound superior, why should I be allowed to tell you anything? Who am I to tell you my thoughts?

Frankly, I am your equal. Everyone is. There is no human that is greater than another, wonderfully stated by Martin Luther King Jr. in his famous "I Have a Dream" speech.

So, can it be that simple questions can have power?
It can be. But it can also NOT be.

Find out. It never hurt to ask.

Value, Ownership, and the Concept of Freedom

2008-05-18T01:29:00.004-04:00

I find it interesting that we, as humans, hold on so dearly to our possessions and, in fact, claim things we do not even own. We go about our days taking and possessing things that really are not ours, nor anyone else's to have. "Excuse me, that's my seat." As if you own that and it is yours to hand out as you please. Walk into your favorite dinner and get "your usual." Your meal that you designed? I thought as much.

Another of my personal favorites: MY girl/boyfriend. I cannot express how much this irks me. To be sure it is a convenient term, but it has depth that I dare not claim. To own a human being...appears to either be slavery or a task that even the wisest should take with greatest caution. Abandoning the idea of slavery, to take some one's life as a burden is overbearing to dwell upon (which it should be. It would be folly to simply take a life in such a manner under idle thought.). It is enough responsibility to care for oneself and from my experience few people even do that well.

Perhaps an even larger lie stems from the previous statement: that you own yourself.

This brings to question the very core of the matter: what does it mean to own something? Is it simply taking care of something? Or accepting anything that happens to it and resolving any issues with it? Is it more than being a good caretaker?

Unfortunately, the idea of "owning" something is a lie. This really just hit me as I was writing this, but it is completely true. We do not own anything. And here is why.

Let's assume that something can be owned. The first item that someone owns must be given to them, usually at a very young age (unless a certain newborn baby is able to produce their own sustenance, which I am not aware of ever happening). This means that someone owned this commodity before. The original owner probably bought this item, receiving money from ANOTHER person. Presumably then, every person earns money and buys (and thus owns) items using the money that was earned and given to them. This money is given from a higher power, but that higher power must receive money from somewhere else. By the original statement (often called the "base case" in logic by induction), the pattern continues infinitely. However, there is not plausibly an infinite chain of people issuing money...thus this system has no beginning. If it has no beginning, it cannot have a body or an ending. Thus there is a contradiction and there is no ownership.

There are other details that I purposely left out, but I think you can see the concept behind.

So now what is left? There is no ownership...is anything left?
There is a feeling of...no, just a feeling. That is all. A feeling that something should be owned, used to satisfy oneself, and cared for. So we satisfy these needs by creating words like "my" and "mine" to represent this false accusation.
Do we purposely live behind this veil? I believe we do. Because we do not wish to face the reality that all that we "have" is really God's. And He choose what He lets us play with.
So play nice, and share your toys.

What is left when everthing is gone?

2008-05-07T01:45:00.004-04:00

Tired, beaten, worn down, exhausted, I write this entry. With the end of the semester quickly approaching, having so much to do yet no motivation is left. No energy remains. Reason quickly fades out of existence. Normality has been gone for months. It seems more logical to play hours of flash games than to finish projects. It appears more rational to stare into space than to try and bring what little focus remains and finish.

A year of work. Fifty years of experience. And...seemingly 5 weeks have past. I woke up in September, went to class, ate, did homework, and now I go to bed in May. May 6th or May 7th...maybe if I blink it will be the 14th. The days run together, and time seems as abstract as the convergence of the atypical power series that stares me in the face, daring me to solve. Daring me to care.

Only in the last week of finals would I find it more plausible to write a blog entry than to finish my homework for Calculus II tomorrow morning, grade the stack of papers on my desk, OR finish editing my final paper due tomorrow afternoon. Not to mention studying for my finals.

My mind is thinking analytically right now. Well, more than normal.
I pose a question to you: what is left when everything is take away?

I began the year full of life, energy, desire...all those beautiful things. But everyday wears at me, everyday breaks me down a little more, everyday eats at my soul, daring me to continue, watching for me to fail. Everyday equations run through my head, constantly finding new hiding places in my brain, trying to settle down in the swirling mass of mystery that is my brain. Not to mention other classes trying to fit their words into my skull. Meaning is lost. My brain moves about in a pattern similar to a discrete math function: unconnected, only scattered points. I have nothing. What is left?

My body cries at me at the abuse I have put it through in the past year. It begs for me to sleep, to eat something besides cafeteria food, and to get sunlight. And I give it...naps, grease, and artificial light. What would I do without you, overhead light? I don't even remember the last time I got up for breakfast. The extra 20 minutes of sleep is vital.

What is left? Worn down to the bone...no...past the bone. Scraping at the cell structure, I am being eaten alive. Can it all be taken? Is there anything deeper than what I have presented?

One thing: heart.

Every athlete knows the feeling of being in the last period of the tournament game, the last round, the last...whatever. The potential end. When every bit of training has gotten you this far. When adrenaline is running out. When muscles ache and brain functionality has ceased and you play by feel. When pulled muscles are ignored, blood is wiped away, and joints are beyond agony. At this point the only thing left is the amount that you want to win. No, it's not longer about winning. It has become survival. Do you want it more than the other team? Skill doesn't matter. Speed doesn't matter. Heck, bribing the ref barely matters. The only thing left is heart. Play with emotion.

At this point all I have left is survival. It is no longer about winning. It is about coming out alive. It is about that first night of sleep on my bed at home. where I sleep until I feel like getting up. Even if that's not for a few days. Right now is about being positive, knowing deep in your heart that you DO have something left to give. You have your final act. And you are going to astound the crowd, and they will ask for more. This is the one trick you've been working on all year, perfecting it for this very moment.

Be free from what your mind tells you and think through your heart. You don't need to listen to your mind, telling you how tired and worn out you are. Thought has ended. Now we play by feel, we play by heart, we play with emotion. Do you choose to push through or simply succumb to the forces that be.

A line from Bioshock drives this point concisely:
"A man chooses. A slave obeys."

The Virtuous Life

2008-05-01T11:25:00.005-04:00

Death. Usually a reference to the process by which all people exit life, entering whatever may come next. It refers to the final breath, the painful wandering, the gloomy expenditure of existence. Most associate death the absence of life in another living being. But too often it refers to more than people, more than organisms. Too often ideas die. Ideas that are not radical, not riot inducing or mind-bending. Those are the ideas of conspiracy theorists, finding something that doesn't fit and suggesting something that most people find outrageous...yet...believable?

Today's death that I shall talk about is one that is very close to me. It may soon see a resurrection, but I do not expect it.
This is the death of chivalry, integrity, and virtue.

A friend once confronted me about how boys no longer hold the door open for her. The next sentence was exactly what I feared it would be: "Why can't guys be gentlemen?" Not wanting to destroy her eardrums with a 3 hour monologue, I simply said "there is more to being a gentleman than opening doors" and changed the subject. I knew she didn't care. But it's very true: there IS more to being a gentleman than opening doors for ladies and offering one's coat when it is cold, though these are both part of it.

Chivalry is about treating other people better than yourself. It is about being selfless, taking care of other people, and unconditional love. The first thought of a chivalrous person in any given situation is "how can I make them happy?" Chivalry is never self centered, never objective, and never hating.
To those paying attention, this may sound familiar. First Corinthians thirteen, anyone? The famous "Love Chapter." Love is this, love is that, love never this, love always that. There is an important part that many people forget: Chapter 14, verse 1 says to follow the way of love. That means we have this example set before us, we know that it is the greatest, now do it! Love other people, treat them with respect, be...chivalrous.

We live in an age where the only way to get ahead is by stepping the faces of those we need to get above. "Don't look back because you're never going there again." This is cutthroat, this is accepted this is normal. And this is what we want, isn't it? To be normal? To be like everyone else, forgotten, accepted as background noise, never to be recognized.
Yes, that sounds tempting [said with painful sarcasm].
Be different. Be alive. For God's sake just don't be like everyone else! What makes someone different is when he or she is well known for something good, not something bad. Avoid the norm, dear reader. When most people cheat their way around the system, lower your shoulder and take it head on. Use one of the greatest tools you can have: integrity. As one with this virtue, your word is your oxygen. You live by it, fearing the circumstance when you break your word. Nothing would be worse than to not be able to keep a promise. When nothing else in this life is certain, it is comforting to be sure of your word. It is comforting to others to know that they can trust you. And you will be remembered as the one person who cared.

The virtuous life. Living by truth and surviving by wisdom. We, as a society, seem to have forgotten the concept of virtues and proverbs, instead taking on the ideology of self and forgetting others.
I am about to link you to one of the most important things you could ever read. This is a list of all of Aesop's fables. It will take a while, but it's worth it. This is ageless wisdom. The stories are short, but they embody almost every virtue.
One of the most important parts of virtue is maturity. It is denying youthful rebellion and independence and acknowledging that to survive, you must grow up. Leave your state of immaturity and enter the realm of virtue. Sadly, many people try to grow up with out first becoming virtuous. This results in middle age boys and widowing girls.

In closing: be free. Set yourself free from what could be done and embrace what NEEDS to be done. But first, understand what the necessity is. Control virtue, then gain wisdom.

That is all.

Hello, and, Once Again, Welcome

2008-04-23T11:24:00.001-04:00

I got philosophical again...

Why are we here?
What do you do?

The other night, I was getting ready to fall asleep, when three thoughts came to mind. and had it not been 3:30am, I would have written my note then. But sleep beckoned me, and I willingly answered.

But these thoughts...these three thoughts..were this: Life is Short; Speak Loudly; Love Freely.

And now to elaborate.

We live in a place where we are rushed around, constantly on the move. We get up early to go to work or to school. We grab our coffee on the way out the door, we grab a handful of cereal, we rush out the door. We sit in class or at work, doing things we've been trained to do or, more likely, BS-ing our way through it. Then we come back to our comfortable home and eat pre-made food to ease a little stress off of our lives. And then we finish up our work, stay up too late watching TV, and go to bed after we meant to. Then we repeat. No real breaks, no true relaxation. We rush around from place to place, but what for?
In America, we are constantly pummeled with the idea that life is short, so we need to take advantage of it. But what does that even mean? Is that just an advertisement for insomnia? Why is it bad to be ill-rested, just for the sake of getting everything done in one day?
Perhaps, instead of just trying to make more time, we should make better time. Quality over quantity?

Ok, so life is short. Are we now damned to its shortness, never to harness what time we DO have?
I think not. I think we need to know how to use the time and what is most important.

I am not an expert. Let's be honest...I have no professional experience of any kind except in making coffee.

However...

Speak your mind. Don't be afraid to say how you feel. But also think before you speak. Careful words from a sage are more profitable than the ramblings of a fool. It's good to have opinions, but you must have some reason for them if you want people to respect them. There is nothing wrong with having a feeling...but its also not bad to question your feelings.
Why do you feel that way or think that thought? Is it simply because that was the first idea you heard, or because you truly believe it? An argument without reason is no more than an opinion, and anyone can form an opinion. However, someone worth listening to has reason.
As such, I give you permission (if you would like it): Be yourself! Tell people how you feel! But THINK, for God's sake! Ingest, synthesize, redistribute. On this crazy ball of planet that kills all its experiments, there isn't enough time to keep your thoughts to yourself. Everyone has something that needs to be heard. But who will know unless you tell someone?

Love. That terribly wonderful paradox. I won't try to explain it...I'm only human, after all. And a male, at that.
But what little I do know is this: don't be afraid to love. Be cautious, but don't fear. If you fear love, you won't get it. If you are timid with giving your love, then timidly will you receive it. Don't be afraid to give your all and get hurt. Unless you take that chance to fail, you can't succeed. You can dream, but you can't have.
And dream. O please dream! Dream big! Dream of anything you can imagine. Because you're dreams are all you have.
Wait, what? NO!
That is a lie! You're dreams do NOT cease at the end of the night!
You have a dream...and who can take that away from you? Who are you to deny yourSELF of your own dream?
I am not normal. I accept that. I love that. I dream...big. I know what i desire. And I now know what that is. I used to be content with a dream and a "if I succeed and maybe my dream will come true." But I was wrong. When I had tasted the sweetness that exceeds IF...when I saw what my life would be like with that dream come true...I could not...can not...turn away. I can no longer idly accept my fate. I now know that whatever lies ahead, it will not be because it came to me. It will happen because I went to it!

Life will come at whatever pace it may. And you will get whatever life may grant you...whatever fortune, for good or ill.
But I am not content with being the same. I am not happy with living a boring life, full of wishes and hopes, but no chance of success. I cannot live by merely accepting.
I will live by taking. If my dream will not passively come to me, then I will actively claim it.

Imagine, for a minute, your dream. Dream big! Don't keep it real! Again, I will say: DON'T KEEP IT REAL! Imagine..think...love.
It's good to be rational, but sometimes it takes irrationality to get beyond the limits of normalcy.

I recently discovered that it's ok to think with your heart sometimes. Not at the risk of losing your mind...but at the sight of attaining your dream.

May your dream come swift. May it be all that you hoped for. But may you be required to fight hard for it. Long, hard, and gruesome. But in the end, it will be worth it.
May your desires be your deepest dreams, and may you be ready for whatever may come. For if it is not by your choosing, I pray that you take...no...master it soon.
May it be wild, vicious...and everything that you hoped for.

Dive in with your heart, but stay alive with your mind.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a Wikipedian

2008-04-12T02:21:00.003-04:00

So recently I was playing a game with a friend. She would ask me a question and I, using whatever knowledge and/or logic I could conjure up at the time, would try to come up with a conceivable answer. Now, I'm a pretty good BS-er. And I was making some pretty convincing arguments. But it made me wonder: is truth more than a substance controlled by those that speak convincingly and sound wise? Most importantly, who do we believe?

At some point during life, we will be told some truth. Especially at a younger age, this is just accepted as fact. After we grow and mature we begin to hear information, comprehend, synthesize, and then apply this new-found knowledge. But with the maturation has come discernment, and we are able to decide what is reliable and what is not. Certainly we don't just believe anything that is told to us. Surely we don't believe someone just because THEY say its true...do we?

O, how I long to see all sides of the figure and not just the foremost face.

See, there is a controversy right now, concerning the credibility of WIkipedia. Non-Wikipedians argue that because anyone can edit Wikipedia, it is not credible. It is true that Wikipedia can be edited by anyone. This is irrefutable. In fact, that is the definition of a "wiki," a website that anyone can edit. But there is forgotten/unspoken information that, when left out, makes WIkipedia look about as useful as an STD. Wikipedia's founders chose to create the site to provide a place where people could learn and share knowledge. This is a much more cost effiecent method of creating a large knowledgebase than to hire a team of professionals to create a online encyclopedia. In FACT, this method is VERY cost-effective. Its SO useful that World Book Encyclopedia uses the same tactic.

O, you didn't know that?

Yes, World Book Encyclopedia, considered to be a credible source, is created by compiling submitted articles from the general public. But World Book is credible because...o, certainly there is a good reason. Because it's a book, and not a website? O, if that were only a good reason.

The interesting thing about the internet and its users is that the same people that denounce Wikipedia will google a topic and read and believe the first article that comes up, so long as it is not Wikipedia. People would believe some persons Geocities' page before a Wikipedia article...for...a reason? Or are some people just SO biased against Wikipedia that they don't even realize what they're saying. Non-Wikipedians will use a non-cited article to back up their claim that there are not sufficient citations. But at the top of the page, the reader is warned about any problems that page has.

The argument can go on and on, but the issue remains: why should we trust one person over another? Even if given a scholarly article, can the citations be trusted? And can the citations for THAT paper be trusted? On and on the cycle goes, and yet, we are STILL searching for the same thing: truth.

Who can we trust? Where can we look?

I offer nothing. I offer no truth, only insight. Don't look to me for truth.

I say this: look to heaven. I believe, I hope, I trust in only one thing.

The Sun will come out Tomorrow

2008-04-01T13:11:00.004-04:00

Ok. Some management issues first.
Please leave me feedback. Please. I need to know how I'm doing. And I have no idea unless you tell me.
I think that's it.
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We live in a society that is run by the clock. Time is our sadistic master. We are never satisfied with the time we have, but we continue on, in hopes of something better. In America, we push ourselves at a remarkable rate. We get up when it's still dark, go to our job or school all day, then work until its dark again. And during that time, we fall into the same pattern. It's different for everyone, yet its also the same. We wake up and start our day, then go about our business, then finish our day. With the same people, do the same tasks, making the same small talk, "enjoying" the same monotony. We live life with people that are barely more than single-serving friends, yet how often do we take the time to get to know them? They are just another part of our schedule, bent on...what?

Think about it for a moment. Where are you going? Whether you like it or not, you are going somewhere. Right now, you are working on doing something with your life. But what are you doing, and why are you doing it? So that you can live a happy life, perhaps. You go to school, majoring in something you like, and then what? You don't get the job you wanted, so you just find some job. Maybe in an office, maybe living in the Land of Cubicles. Then work too hard to earn money you don't need and buy stuff you don't really even want. Is THAT what you're working so hard for? Just think.

Now imagine that you're NOT living for that. Imagine that you're living for a REASON.

We live a paradox of irony. We know that ahead of us is heaven. And this SHOULD give us the hope to live on (this would require an entirely different post. Which will probably happen sometime soon). We know that heaven is greater than anything on earth and that we need to live for heavenly wealth, not earthly pleasure (Matthew6:19). This means we need to distance ourselves from anything pleasurable on this earth, focusing only on life eternal. Right? That's what we are taught in our quaint little churches: be a good Christian, deny pleasure, and you'll get you're reward in heaven.

O church, when will you learn?
O people, when will you think?

God gave us the desire to find pleasure. He wants us to find pleasure in the things of this earth. But evil has corrupted what was once pure and shameless and has caused disgusting versions of what was beautiful. God intended for the joys of this life to be a foretaste of the Kingdom. Not to be a substitute, nor to be avoided. We are to enjoy wholesome pleasure, but we are not meant to abuse it or assume that it cannot get better.

We live in pursuit of Heaven. For now, we may enjoy life...no...we NEED to enjoy life. To deny pleasure is to deny what God has made for us. But we can never, ever, lose focus of Heaven. Obsession for Heaven should drive us forward, reminding us that if we put up with this life for just a little longer, we can have all that God wants for us.

So for now, live, laugh, love, enjoy. Work your hardest now, because a day will come when you can look back and you will see the things that could have been. But never take life so seriously that you can't enjoy it, and so denying God's gifts.

And here, dear reader, I will stop for now. Live as though today is good, but tomorrow is better. Tomorrow is not in this life, it comes with the immortality of Heaven.
Give all and expect nothing back. But have HOPE that every good thing you do now will be reward ten-fold tomorrow.

Where we listen, when we care

2008-03-25T16:24:00.009-04:00

Welcome.

For one reason or another, you have stumbled upon my writings. The logical question that you, the reader, should ask concerns the validity of the material in which shall fill this space, generally known as a blog.
And here, dear reader, is my reason.

You should not consider anything I say to be truth. From this point forward, I do not guarantee truth in anything I say. And even if I did, how reliable could I be just by saying that I am reliable?
However, the idea of questioning truth is appealing to humans. We, especially the young people of earth who are "growing up," have a desire to be rebellious. The "I do what I want" mentality, the independent ideology. And what is more rebellious than to question truth?
So read on, my reader...read on.

We are obsessed with discovering treasure. This really hit home when I saw "National Treasure: Book of Secrets." After watching it, I realized that this idea of huge, all encompassing treasure engulfs our society. No, not our society. People in general. Legends of vasts treasures, cities of gold, or hidden mines flowing with riches pollute our history. It was a driving force behind European exploration: building ships to go get gold and riches beyond belief. Along with history, there some wonderful legends that just kind of solidify the idea that humans are obsessed with treasure. Here are some links: US Treasure, Treasure in the Eastern Hemisphere, Costa Rica

A few questions came to mind. Why are we so obsessed? Why do we think that there IS some vast wealth? Where would such a treasure be? And then recently, a new question came up: is the treasure mentioned in the stories gold, or is it something else? Then things like "The Fountain of Youth" come to mind. So perhaps gold is simply a metaphor for something valuable. Someday cash will decompose and gold will lose its luster. What then?

When all else fails, only one thing remains. Truth. Isn't it? I mean, isn't that what we're looking for, what is truth?

No. In fact, few people even care about truth anymore. Well, not absolute truth, anyway. The idea of relative truth has seeped into modern philosophy like...um...something really seep-y.
Anyway. Belief in absolute truth is dieing. people have settled for the much easier idea of choosing one's own truth. The absurdity of this can be seen in the example of believing that it is ok to punch someone else in the nose. If the relevance of this is lost to you, go punch someone in the nose and convince them that it's ok because YOU felt it was right.

So DO we seek truth? Is that what we really are after, desiring to to see through the proverbial fog and separate fact from fiction? Is our obsession after treasure really just a search for absolute truth?

No. Truth is not the end goal. It is merely a by-product of the goal.

So the question remains: what is the end goal?

That, my friend, is the purpose of this blog. To explain what I think, why I think it, and how it is relevant and makes sense.